An evening at a concert thwarted by bureaucracy 4 March 2021
Characters
Frank 50-year-old journalist, divorced, in relationship with Sandy
Sandy 50-year-old real estate agent, in relationship with Frank
Roy Benton 50-year-old IT manager, married to Steph
Steph Benton 50-year-old real estate agent married to Roy
2 Security Guards
First couple: Mack man 50, with Bree, girlfriend 25
Second couple: Les and Bo, both about 25.
5 members of bikie gang
Extras crowd entering concert
________________________________________________________________________________________________
FRANK AND SANDY ARE IN HER KITCHEN PREPARING A PICNIC
Sandy
Can you get me two bottles of white from the fridge please?
Frank
Sure.
FRANK HANDS HER THE WINE AND SHE BEGINS WRAPPING THEM, TWO WINE GLASSES AND TWO METAL KNIVES IN BIG LETTUCE LEAVES. SANDY THEN PUTS THIS INTO A BIG CASSEROLE DISH AND SECURES THE LID WITH MASKING TAPE BEFORE WRAPPING THE DISH IN A TEA TOWEL
Frank
Isn’t this a bit of overkill?
Sandy
No.
Frank
But the leaves and tape and the tea towel?
Sandy
It’s not over kill. If the idiots who run these things want to play silly buggers, I can too.
Frank
Well at least we get to drink a wine we chose. Not their rubbish.
Sandy
The whole subterfuge is ridiculous. Grown people like us having to resort to this because we aren’t mature enough to take our own knives and bottles into a concert.
Frank
(smiles) Yeah. Well, I understand the wine thing. The organisers want to make a cop by having a licence and selling their own stuff. But why can’t we be trusted with knives?
Sandy
Because in this Brave New World the powers that be penalise 95 per cent of the people because of the feared actions of the other idiot 5 per cent.
Frank
It is a k.d.lang concert after all. Who’s going to pull a Rodd stainless steel bread-and-butter knife in a knife fight at a k.d. lang concert? (pauses) More like a stampede of stocky women with short-cropped hair charging the stage.
Sandy
Well Steph and I did help break down the barricade to create a mosh pit at Carole King last year so I suppose anything’s possible.
Frank
(laughs) That was enormous! What’s Carole? 70? Sitting at the piano belting out “You’ve Got a Friend” with a pack of mad women climbing over a wire security fence like they were storming a castle in Game of Thrones….and k.d.lang’s more a gay icon than Carole King.
Sandy
You’re not going to labour this gay thing are you? That kind of attitude is so outmoded and people get really pissed when they hear it. I don’t need you embarrassing us all night with your stupid commentary.
Frank
(Not listening) Shit! I said icon. Fuck I hate that word.
Sandy
Anyway, k.d.lang is gay but I don’t know if she is necessarily a gay i-c…. Whatever.
Frank
She’s an unabashed rug muncher. Gay people love her because she is out there, totally in the gay zone and wants everyone to know it. Lesbians love her because of the bravery of her homosexual commitment.
Sandy
Really? Well, you’re right about one thing. The dynamic of the crowd will be behaved…and why shouldn’t they be? Mature adults enjoying a picnic and a drink at a concert in a park.
Frank
Yeah. But we’ve still got all these rules. No this, no that. Inspect every bag on the way in. A law-abiding woman like you stooping to hiding contraband in a salad. It’s like some prison movie. We should have baked a cake with a file in it.
SANDY & FRANK AND STEPH & ROY ARE IN A QUEUE AT THE CONCERT. AHEAD OF THE QUEUE ARE LONG TABLES WITH SECURITY PEOPLE CHECKING EVERY BAG BEING TAKEN IN. BEHIND THEM IN THE QUEUE IS A MAN OF SIMILAR AGE (MACK) WITH A MUCH YOUNGER, BUXOM GIRLFRIEND (BREE); BEHIND THESE A LESBIAN COUPLE HOLDING HANDS. ONE OF THE PARTNERS (LES) HAS SHORT CROPPED HAIR AND IS SLOVENLY DRESSED, WEARING AN UNBUTTONED, LONG-SLEEVE CHECKED SHIRT OVER A T-SHIRT AND JUNGLE GREENS, THE OTHER WOMAN (BO) IS WEARING A DRESS.
Roy (motions to Frank while eyeing off the younger buxom woman):
Mmmm.
FRANK SHAKES HIS HEAD AT ROY BUT HAS A LOOK AT THE YOUNG WOMAN (BREE) ANYWAY. THE BUTCH PARTNER OF THE LESBIAN COUPLE GIVES HIM A DARK LOOK
Sandy (loudly)
This is ridiculous!
Steph
What? Oh, the hold up. At least Roy’s happy? He’s found a cleavage.
Sandy
(looks back) Oh. On “Ginger” there. Do you think they’re real?
Steph
I dunno. Our two don’t seem to mind either way?
BOTH WOMEN LOOK BACK AT THE UNAWARE BREE’S CLEAVAGE. MACK PREENS HIMSELF WHILE LES SHOOTS THEM ANOTHER DARK LOOK. BO CONTINUES TO LEAN ON HER SHOULDER
Security Guard No. 1 (male)
Keep moving along please. Your bags will be inspected at the tables in front of you. No metal objects or drinks are allowed to be taken into the venue.
SANDY PRESENTS HER BAG
Security Guard No. 2 (female)
Thank you ma’am. (Searches the bag and lifts out the wrapped casserole dish and gives it a light shake).What’s in here?
Sandy
Oh, would you like a taste? Get yourself a confiscated spoon and help yourself.
Security Guard No. 2 (laughs)
Just doing my job. What’s in there? It’s quite heavy.
Sandy (sarcastically)
Rock cakes.
GUARD 2 LOOKS INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG AND THEN RETURNS THE DISH. SHE WAVES SANDY THROUGH. STEPH AND FRANK WHO AREN’T CARRYING BAGS ARE WAVED THROUGH
ROY IS STOPPED AND HIS BAG REVEALS FOUR DRINK HOLDERS WITH SHARP POINTS SO THEY CAN BE STUCK INTO THE GRASS WHILE SUPPORTING A GLASS
Security Guard No. 2
I’ll have to hold on to these I’m afraid.
Roy
You’re kidding aren’t you? They’re drink holders. They stop glasses of wine tipping over on the undulating levels of the lawn.
Security Guard No. 2
I’m sorry but these …
Roy (interrupts)
And the prices you people charge for a glass of wine, you really cannot afford to tip over a glass, let alone three which is my usual effort.
Security Guard No. 2
Yes, but these metal objects are dangerous. We cannot allow metal into the venue.
Roy (opening his mouth at the guard)
Then, would you like to extract my teeth?
Security Guard No. 2 (said to Security Guard No. 1)
We have a situation here.
SECURITY GUARD NO. 1 COMES ACROSS AND REITERATES TO ROY WHAT HE HAS ALREADY BEEN TOLD AS FRANK (WITH SANDY AND STEPH CLOSE BY) RETURNS TO SEE WHAT’S HOLDING UP HIS FRIEND.
Security Guard No. 1
…so you see we just cannot allow such dangerous implements into the venue.
Frank (loudly)
Dangerous implements! This isn’t The Stones at Altamont! It’s k.d.lang in Perth!
MEANWHILE BREE GETS SOMETHING CONFISCATED AND MACK COMPLAINS LOUDLY. LES HAS BECOME VERY IMPATIENT AND, REFERRING TO SECURITY GUARD NO. 1, SAYS MEN WITH SMALL DICKS ALWAYS DO SECURITY WORK.
SECURITY GUARD NO. 1 ORDERS ALL EIGHT OUT OF THE AREA AND BANS THEM FROM ENTERING THE CONCERT.
*****
ACCOMPANIED BY MUSIC FROM THE BATTLE OF STIRLING IN BRAVEHEART, THE EIGHT EVICTEES STORM DOWN A HILL TOWARDS THE SECURITY GUARDS. ALL ARE BRANDISHING DRINK HOLDERS AND CUTLERY. THEY HAVE FACES PAINTED IN BLUE OR IN BREE’S CASE SMEARED MASCARA AND WEAR THEIR TARTAN PICNIC RUGS ACROSS THEIR SHOULDERS LIKE CAPES.
AS THEY GET NEAR THE GATE, A GANG OF EIGHT BIKIES EACH WITH AN ESKY ON HIS SHOULDER WALKS THROUGH THE GATES WITHOUT EVEN BEING LOOKED AT.
FOOTNOTE:
I WRIGHT 