The Donation

When two middle-aged friends attend a sperm donation clinic   24 July 2008

Characters

Frank 50-year-old journalist, divorced, in relationship with Sandy

Roy Benton 50-year-old IT manager, married to Steph

Nurse early 30s, dressed in white tunic, stockings and shoes

Donor early 40s, wearing short-sleeved West Coast Eagles football jumper, jeans, thongs

Eagles woman overweight 50-ish, had previous altercation with Roy at AFL match

 

FRANK AND ROY ARE IN THE WAITING ROOM OF A SPERM DONATION CLINIC

Frank

Why are we doing this?

Roy

You know why…and it’s not ‘we’ because you’re not going to do it. – I’m doing my bit for society.

Frank

You’re kidding. What bit for society?

Roy

For people who can’t have kids, men who are infertile. Provide hope for childless couples that want to have a baby.

Frank

Yes, I understand that but isn’t there some form of screening process.

Roy

What for?

Frank

Well, does the world really need another short person? Aren’t you guys becoming redundant? They can’t even find enough jockeys these days.

Roy

(slightly indignant) I am an intelligent, successful, middle-aged male. A woman would be doing well to have my seed growing inside her.

Frank

Your seed?….What is this …. Deuteronomy?

Roy

You know what I mean. To be carrying a child with my genes. The kid would have a good chance of having all my qualities.

Frank

Yes…and be short. – What if they give your gizz to some bogan? You’d end up with some poor midget kid getting bashed up at school because he likes Prokofiev.

Roy

Enough! Look, I’m helping society here. Why don’t you help society occasionally?

JUST DOING MY JOB: THE NURSE

Frank

(defensively) I’ve had a vasectomy. How can I help society by having a sterile cotton wool into a test tube?

Roy

In other ways then – give blood.

Frank

Have you seen the restrictions on that? There are 40 reasons why you can’t give blood … and I failed the first two…I didn’t bother reading the other 38 in case I got depressed. Funnily enough that was reason 2.

Roy

There’s always an excuse with you.

Frank

Excuse? I haven’t noticed you down at Doc Snowball’s getting the vas snipped. I’ve got five kids. I’ve made my contribution.

Roy

And they’re all great, just like my kids. That’s why I want to give someone else this opportunity.

Frank

(sarcastically, then motioning with his head to other occupant of the waiting room) Oh very noble….Look at that gibberer. Do you think some babe in the elite suburbs is hanging out for his … output? The guy probably comes in for the free videos.

Roy

(smiling) And you want me to go through screening.

Nurse

(approaching the two, looking at Frank) Would you like to come this way?

Roy

(standing) It’s me.

Nurse

You may come through now…(as Frank rises from his chair)  Just this gentleman, thank you.

Frank

Oh we’re very close…I’d like to see the routine in case I want to donate in future.

Nurse

No, I’m afraid that’s not possible…unless you’re … partners.

Frank

Nah, he’s in computers.

Nurse

(pausing) I meant sexual partners.

Frank

What? Me have sex with him? You’re kidding aren’t you?

Nurse

(sarcastically) I’m afraid there’s enough ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ in this business already. We take our jobs seriously in this clinic.

Roy

Just wait here.

Frank

(as Roy and the nurse walk off) Seriously, can I get a preview of what happens? What if he needs assistance to bar up? He may need help?

Nurse

(annoyed and to Roy) Come this way please. (turns back to look at Frank) Sir, please take a seat. He won’t be a moment.

SEINFELD CONNECTION: KRAMER’S LICENCE PLATE

Frank

Really?

Roy

(to nurse) He’s had a vasectomy.

Frank

(after nurse looks at Frank with disdain, he remains undaunted)  He likes a big woman. Give him an Assman video.

(nurse and Roy go through a door and Frank notices other donor shifting in his seat) How ya goin’ pal? … Assman eh? …. That work for you too?

THE MAN GETS UP FROM HIS CHAIR, COVERING HIS GROIN WITH THE MAGAZINE HE HAS BEEN READING AND SCURRIES TO THE TOILET.

TONY AND FRANK HAVE LEFT THE CLINIC. TONY IS DRIVING.

Frank

Sure you don’t want me to drive?

Roy

(curtly) No.

Frank

I just don’t want you falling asleep on me.

Roy

(even more curtly) I’m fine.

Frank

Why are you so pissed off?

Roy

(pauses) ….She walked in on me.

Frank

Who?

Roy

The nurse.

Frank

(laughing) What do you mean?

Roy

I was just about to New York and she walked in on me.

Frank

Not even a knock?

Roy

She tapped lightly and walked straight in. She was worried I was taking a long time.

Frank

You were taking a long time.

Roy

I know. But there’s no time limit. I don’t why she had to come in.

Frank

While we are on that subject …. What did you come in?

Roy

A glass beaker… well it was a glass beaker. I dropped it.

Frank

(incredulously) You dropped it? How?

Roy

She gave me a fright. I was picking up the beaker with my left hand and she surprised me…I dropped it.

Frank

Wouldn’t it have been in your hand already? I mean, you only need one hand. Then again ….

Roy

(interrupts) I was having trouble. That maniac Eagles woman from the last match kept coming into my mind – it put me off. … So I was using both hands.

Frank

Both hands? Impressive! – What’d the nurse think?

Roy

The room was quite small. I dropped the beaker and turned around….

Frank

(again incredulously) You were standing?

Roy

(angrily) I told you I was having trouble.

Frank

(muses) Let me picture this: Small room, two hands. One hand reaches for a glass beaker. The door opens. The beaker smashes. You’re standing. You turn around in surprise……(begins laughing) You didn’t?

Roy

It hit her knee and those white nursing shoes.

Frank

Lucky she was wearing stockings.

Roy

I’m so embarrassed.

Frank

Embarrassed? Guys would pay more than a hundred to have that experience.

Roy

(laughing a bit) It’s not funny.

Frank

What did she do?

Roy

She was very good about it. She wiped her knee with a tissue. I don’t think she noticed the shoes.

Frank

So what about the women from the toffee neighbourhood waiting to carry the next Steve Jobs?

Roy

They may have to wait a bit longer.

Frank

Are you gonna tell Steph?

Roy

(questioningly) What? That I masturbated onto a nurse about half her age. Are you kidding?

Frank

Well I’m telling Sandy. This is great. I knew something good would come out of this, I’m glad I came….Anyway, would there have been space for me in the room?

Roy

You are not telling Sandy…and no there wasn’t.

Frank

Especially, if you were standing. There would have been a lot of moving around. I don’t think I could have coped with that? Was there any jumping around?

Roy

What?

Frank

You know… to get the juices moving.

Roy

(sheepishly) A bit.

Frank

You’re lucky you didn’t lose balance and knock her over. That would have been embarrassing.

Roy

(quite forcefully) You are not telling Sandy.

Frank

What if Steph wants to do the biz tonight? Can you back up?

Roy

(thoughtfully, shutting eyes slightly) Hmm! The good image is still there.

Frank

What image?

ISABELLE HUPPERT

Roy

Isabelle Huppert. The DVD …. Some French movie…subtitles.

Frank

Isabelle Huppert? Was she wearing glasses?

Roy

Yes…and the russet hair. Very erotic.

Frank

Russet hair? …Where? ….Did they show the ….

Roy

Yeah. It was great. Actually, it’s working for me now talking about it.

Frank

(for the first time on the back foot) Great. Let’s go back?

Roy

What’s the matter with you?

Frank

Glasses, slim, red hair….that’s like Sandy.

Roy

I’ve used Sandy before. That’s allowed. I bet you’ve used Steph?

Frank

(thoughtfully) Hmm. Yeah…but this was a bit more public.

FRANK CLOSES HIS EYES AND IMAGINES STEPH RUNNING ALONG A WHITE BEACH WEARING A ONE-PIECE BATHING COSTUME A SIZE TOO SMALL FOR HER BUXOM SHAPE

Roy

All guys use their friend’s wives. It proves we wouldn’t do it in the real. That’s why it’s a fantasy … and that’s the important part. It’s a fantasy because we think about it but know, because we’re civilised, that we’ll never do it.

RUSSET BEACH

Frank

Yeah…but red hair.

Roy

Get over it. You’re not telling Sandy. Or I’ll tell her about you imagining Steph …and I bet you think of Fee too. God, you’ll be in trouble then.

Frank

Okay, okay. … But the schmooey on her shoes…That’s funny.

THAT NIGHT, IN ROY AND STEPH’S BEDROOM. SHE FAST ASLEEP, HE MOVING AROUND IN BED SLIGHTLY WITH SMILE ON HIS FACE. ROY IMAGINES SANDY RUNNING ALONG THE SAME BEACH IN SAME BATHERS WORN BY STEPH IN FRANK’S FANTASY.

SANDY DIVES INTO THE WATER AND ROY APPEARS IN DREAM AND DIVES IN AFTER HER.

 AS HE SURFACES, ‘SANDY’ BREAKS FROM THE WATER BUT IT IS THE EAGLES WOMAN, WEARING THE SAME BATHERS WHICH ARE ABOUT FOUR SIZES TOO SMALL FOR HER.

ROY AWAKES SCREAMING.

END

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